Will I be Fit by Forty?

Tuesday, June 14, 2011


I knew that becoming a mom would require me to confront parts of me that I don't like very much or don't want to think about.

One of those things for me is my tendency for perfectionism.

I've been watching my son, Alex, deal with being a perfectionist for almost five years now.

(Ok - side note - it's amazing to me how much Alex and I are exactly the same even though he is not my biological child.  Nature vs. nurture?  If I still had some brain cells to smoosh together I'd have a whole discussion about that topic.  But for now, I'll just say that my son is almost exactly like me.)

I've watched him not be willing to try something new because he was afraid that he wouldn't do it perfectly.  Things that I know he would love to do - go down a big slide - play a sport - dance with a group - he just gets paralyzed with fear.  When he is coloring a picture he will get frustrated and throw it away if he slightly goes outside of the lines.  It's so hard as a parent to watch your child struggle with this.  I try to model not coloring perfectly - and talk with him about how he doesn't have to be perfect - and that you can't be perfect and win at everything.  He still doesn't get it.

And I now realize I really don't either.

My house is an absolute mess - I'm a packrat and I have a hard time throwing things away.  I have these pictures in my mind of how my house would look if it was all organized.  I picture baskets with purposes - bins with cute labels - perfection.  My house doesn't look that way because I never start doing it.  I don't have time to make it perfect so I just don't do anything.

And I've come to realize that I haven't tried certain activities in the past because I was pretty sure I wouldn't be perfect - or the best - at it.

I've been so embarrassed at my running speed.  People talk about how they had a slow horrible run - but they are still running 10 minute miles.  10 minute miles would have me passed out on the side of the road after 1/2 mile.  I'm having a great run at 13 minute miles.  My slow runs are at 14 - 15 minute miles.  There are times when I've felt like stopping because I'm not perfect at it.  It's been a constant battle with my brain to just keep going.

It's one of the reasons why I'm so proud of myself for doing this kettlebell class.  This was something I knew nothing about. (let's face it - we all know how to run - and the first four months of my running was in my house on my treadmill - no one was watching me)  I was going to have to be in a room with other people who would be able to watch me - and possibly realize that I was doing something not perfect.  It's been hard for me - but I thought I had a big breakthrough.

Then this weekend happened and I realized that I still have a lot of work to do in this area.

I just looked up the results from the Barnyard Dash.  I came in fourth to last.  I was almost last.  And it really has bothered me.  Why?  I'm not sure - what does it matter if I came in 10th, 100th or 218th out of 221.  I know it shouldn't.....but it does.

Guess I still have some work to do.

1 comment:

  1. You don't have to worry about being the slowest... that would be me... I walk at 2.5 or so and jog at 3.7-4 on the treadmill... I do have a lung disease so I just do what I can... It used to bother me but I realize I do feel better and I am losing weight and my breathing test are better so it must me working!! Good Luck!!